January 6, 2016

This is getting difficult! I ran on the treadmill this morning. I planned to do a mile and a half, but ended up running a mile and three quarters. It felt good at the time, but after 12 hours and many chores and activities, I'm sore, crabby, and so very hungry!

I almost forgot to blog tonight. I'm ready for bed and I remembered at the last minute. 

I made a good food decision by only allowing myself a yogurt before bed instead of the 700 snacks I wanted to eat (see previous "so very hungry" comment).

I told Frank that I feel like I've been working out on my new plan forever. And then I realized that it has not even been a week! (I get very dramatic when I'm sore and hungry).

I nurtured myself today by blasting and singing along to some of my favorite songs while driving around. 

Okay, I did everything I was supposed to do, tomorrow I'm going to walk on the treadmill (need a break from running) and get a haircut. 

*Moan* *Groan* I'll see you tomorrow...

January 5, 2016

Today went well but was a bit exhausting.  I started the day by dropping all the kids off at school, then left for water aerobics class at the gym. I got about halfway there when I realized I forgot to pack a towel. So I turned around, grabbed the towel, and made it there just as the class was starting.

After class I stopped at the grocery store for a few things, then home to shower, do dishes, and clean my office. I made it through a ton of paper clutter!

After the kids came home and I made tacos and salad for dinner, I left for yoga class. I worked out twice today! And now I need to go to bed!

So let's see: I'm blogging now, I worked out, I nurtured myself by going to yoga, and I made a good food choice by not having seconds on anything but salad at dinner.

Happy Tuesday everyone! See you tomorrow!

January 4, 2016

Here we go! I've downloaded an app for blogging and I have high hopes that it will post my "before" picture this time.

I started out my day by dropping the kids off at school, then going immediately to the gym. I ran for a mile, then walked for another mile and a half.

I decided to try not eating any sugar on weekdays, so my good food decision today was to stick to that goal.

It was a busy day filled with cleaning and organizing around the house, then taking care of several kid issues while cooking dinner. I am currently at the library with Natalie's middle school Battle of the Books team. I am team leader and am sitting off to the side while they have their discussion. 

I nurtured myself by having two great fulfilling phone conversations with friends. It always builds me up to check in with my friends!

Well my blog entry is done for the night. Have a great evening and I'll see you tomorrow!

(Before picture, taken 1-1-16)

January 3, 2016

Today went pretty well, although I didn't exercise. I started off my day by going to church, which I'm going to count as nurturing myself. I always feel renewed and calm after church. I also taught Sunday School, and spending time with a group of 5-7 year olds renews and nurtures me too.

After church I did all the grocery shopping for the week in anticipation of going to the gym tomorrow morning instead of my old habit of Monday morning grocery shopping. I bought lots of fruits and vegetables! I'm counting that as my good food decision of the day.

I found myself being excited about doing my blog entry for the day, and thinking about what I would say. I think this blogging every day plan is going to work out nicely for me.

As you can see by the formatting of yesterday's post, I still have some learning to do when it comes to blogging from my phone. I wasn't able to get my "before" picture to post, and I'm in a hurry tonight, so I'll try to do that tomorrow.  I plan to take a photo of myself on the first of every month to (hopefully) see my progress.

Tomorrow Frank goes back to work and the kids go back to school.  It also will mark my return to the gym, I will be running on the treadmill right after I get everyone off to school. I have a goal of getting back to being able to run for three miles without stopping. I have some work to do to get there.

Have a great Sunday night, and I'll see you tomorrow!

January 2, 2016

Today is day two of my healing challenge. I started off the day with a date with a friend to walk our dogs so exercise was covered for the day. Frank and I went to Ikea to buy some furniture, and my one good food decision was to not get dessert there, even though they had very good looking cake and reasonably priced chocolate bars. I am obviously blogging right now, so that goal is accomplished for the day. Now, this doing something to nurture myself thing? I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. Maybe I'll set aside some time this evening to read a chapter of the book that I never seem to make to read.

I'm trying to attach a picture of myself to use as a "before" photo, but I am blogging from my phone, so I'm not sure if it will work. If not, I'll try again tomorrow!

Have a great Saturday and I will update you on my nurturing activity tomorrow!

Less Sadness, More Fitness for 2016

I have struggled with how to blog about grief as I keep healing. As you can see, I stopped blogging for months because I just didn't know what to say about my life and my grief. Today, the first day of a new year, I have made a decision about this blog: it's time for me to start blogging again.

My one-word mantra for this year is "Healing".

I am going to work hard to heal myself, both mind body, this whole year. You, my dear readers, are going to come along with me for the ride.

My goals are as follows:

1. Exercise 4 times per week all year long

2. Do one small (or big) thing each day to nurture myself emotionally

3. Make one (or more!) good food decision each day

4. Make one blog entry per day to document my progress

Yes, you read that right! I plan to blog each day of 2016, along with taking concrete steps toward continuing my healing. I am sure I will struggle at times, but I am going to aim high! I am more than excited to see what this year will bring, and to share it all with you.

See you tomorrow!

There is still pain, there is still joy

I haven't blogged in a very long time.  I felt like there wasn't much new for me to talk about. What could I say at this point?  I have very hard days, I have very joy-filled days (sometimes they are the same day). I feel like I have turned a corner with my grief and with turning this corner brings
both good news and bad news.

The good news is that I don't feel like the grief is getting worse.  I have settled into a pattern of somewhat predictable ups and downs.  I'm better at recognizing when a melt-down might be on the horizon, and I'm more patient with myself when they happen.

The blood drive day

The bad news is, I think this is it. I think I've reached the point where my pain of losing Sue has healed as much as it is going to heal.  In other words, I don't think it's going to get much better than this.  I categorize this as bad news because the pain is still very present and very real.  It is just an everyday fact of life.

The end of 2015 is very near, and since I only blogged for a few months of this year, I'll try to summarize how I have worked toward healing this year.

--In June I took my kids on a camping trip. We had a week of relaxation, nature, and friends. This is the second year we have taken this trip, and it is one of my favorite new traditions.  I am finding that having a few new traditions that have started after Sue died has been helpful and healing to me.

--In August my oldest son started marching band with Sue's two boys.  This was something we had talked about and planned together.  We loved the idea of them being together in band. I went to just about every football game, sat by myself, and watched those three boys do the things Sue and I had planned. I watched them for both of us.  Then, when the end of marching band season came, I watched her oldest child be officially recognized at the band banquet for his four years of dedication to something Sue loved so much.  I watched for both of us.

The three boys, on one very cold night of marching

--On October 28th (my birthday, her death-day) I held the First Annual Suzanne McCarty Memorial Blood Drive at my church. I'm still sorting out my feelings about that day. I was proud that I helped collect 33 pints of blood for the Red Cross. I had fun greeting people and visiting with all of the many people who offered support. I felt immense pride watching her oldest boy lie down on the table and give his blood in memory of his mother.  But, in all honesty, that is not how I wanted to spend my birthday. I still struggle with the fact that I just want my old, normal life back. I wanted, REALLY wanted, to spend the day chatting with Sue on the phone and doing normal birthday things.

Now as this year is coming to a close, I can see that I have made progress, I've checked items off my "List of things that will help me heal," but I'm not all better. I am realizing that I will never be all better. There is nothing for me to do but keep moving forward, keep doing the next hard thing that seems to be around every corner.

2016 will be full of new challenges. Her oldest will graduate from high school and leave for college. Her youngest will leave elementary school and begin middle school. There will be hard days, when I miss her so much I will feel like the pain will break me apart. There will be days I will float through with a smile, memories of her lifting me up.

This is my life now: there is still pain and there is still joy.