both good news and bad news.
The good news is that I don't feel like the grief is getting worse. I have settled into a pattern of somewhat predictable ups and downs. I'm better at recognizing when a melt-down might be on the horizon, and I'm more patient with myself when they happen.
|The blood drive day|
The end of 2015 is very near, and since I only blogged for a few months of this year, I'll try to summarize how I have worked toward healing this year.
--In June I took my kids on a camping trip. We had a week of relaxation, nature, and friends. This is the second year we have taken this trip, and it is one of my favorite new traditions. I am finding that having a few new traditions that have started after Sue died has been helpful and healing to me.
--In August my oldest son started marching band with Sue's two boys. This was something we had talked about and planned together. We loved the idea of them being together in band. I went to just about every football game, sat by myself, and watched those three boys do the things Sue and I had planned. I watched them for both of us. Then, when the end of marching band season came, I watched her oldest child be officially recognized at the band banquet for his four years of dedication to something Sue loved so much. I watched for both of us.
|The three boys, on one very cold night of marching|
Now as this year is coming to a close, I can see that I have made progress, I've checked items off my "List of things that will help me heal," but I'm not all better. I am realizing that I will never be all better. There is nothing for me to do but keep moving forward, keep doing the next hard thing that seems to be around every corner.
2016 will be full of new challenges. Her oldest will graduate from high school and leave for college. Her youngest will leave elementary school and begin middle school. There will be hard days, when I miss her so much I will feel like the pain will break me apart. There will be days I will float through with a smile, memories of her lifting me up.
This is my life now: there is still pain and there is still joy.