10 Things That Have Helped me with Grief (Part 2)

This is the list I came up with to share the top ten things that have helped me with grief. It got too long so I broke it up into two parts.  This is part 2.  You can read part 1 here.

Continuing the list:

6. Having a theme song: If you ask my kids, they will tell you that I always have a favorite song, and it usually changes weekly. I call it, "My jam!" as in, "hey kids, this is MY JAM!".  I chose a get-me-through-a-tough-time theme song on the very day Sue died, and although it changes sometimes, I always have a go-to song that will lift my spirits and make me feel tough or hopeful on hard days. Some of my theme songs have been Carry On by Fun., Brand New Day by Van Morrison, and Roar by Katy Perry.


Get lots of rest!

7. Being Social: I will admit that I am an extrovert. Being around other people pumps me up and makes me happy. After Sue died I didn't want to be around anyone. It was a huge change that I noticed right away, I started dreading spending time with other people. I realized pretty quickly that if I forced myself to talk with people, to get out of the house and spend time around other people, I felt better.  Maybe this would have the opposite effect on someone else, but for me it was essential to make plans with friends and then force myself to follow through. I don't think there has ever been a time while I have been grieving when I regretted making myself be social.

8. Writing: I cannot overstate how much having this blog has helped me. I have loved having a place to write out my memories of Sue, vent my sadness and frustrations, and just be my goofy self. If I was someone who really didn't want others to read my thoughts, I would definitely have started a journal and written about everything there. One of the first things my friend Donna did after Sue died was bring me a notebook. She told me that I would probably want to start writing things down.  Boy, was she ever right! I read somewhere that people who have suffered trauma/loss need to tell their story, then tell it again, then tell it again. I agree, and it has helped me so much to do so.

9. Ice Water: This is a weird one, I know.  I had to include it though, because I use this one all the time. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, angry, sad, or confused I have started telling myself, "Just get a glass of ice water and sit down." For me it is a symbol for taking care of myself. I use it to give myself permission to just sit and process things for awhile. I find ice water to be comforting, and Sue used to always tell me to "go lay down with an iced tea or something" when I was freaking out. I don't really care much for iced tea, so ice water it is!

When grieving, try to keep
your sense of humor

10. Counseling, Grief groups, Church: This is a big one, which is why I've left it for last. I have found that seeking out help when I need it is the hardest thing.  Why is it the hardest thing? I don't know, I guess I just like to believe that I can handle anything and everything on my own. I went to a grief support group a few months after Sue died, and walking in there felt like the hardest thing, ever. The support group didn't end up feeling like the right fit for me, but I still felt like I needed help. I ended up signing up for individual grief counseling through a program at a local university. I needed counseling and they needed people who were willing to be counseled by students who were in the last phases of getting their degrees. It worked out great for me. I got so much out of it, and it was free! I love knowing that the program exists, I keep the thought of it in my back pocket, knowing that I could always sign up again when/if I need more help. 

Church has been helpful to me since the first day I walked in, the year before Sue died. I didn't even realize how much I needed time to sit and reflect each week on how much God loves us all. Church, for me, combines meditation (prayer), rest (quiet reflection), reading books about people who have suffered major loss (LOTS of these stories in the bible!), and being social. I was very lucky to find a church that felt like the right fit for me right from the beginning. The people at our church have been a huge support to my kids and me. We feel comfortable there, and we have many opportunities there to help other people and organizations. It helps to take the focus off of our own suffering, and we come in contact with a lot of charities that remind us how good we really have it. I know that church is not for everyone. I never went to church until I was 38. But I do think if you can find a place, a community, where you can feel supported and help others, it helps with grief a lot.

So, there you have it, my list of 10 things that have helped me with grief. I hope this list helps someone out there.

10 Things That Have Helped Me With Grief (Part 1)

This picture has nothing to do with this post, but isn't she cute?

This is a list that has been swirling around my brain for awhile now. I want to have suggestions for anyone who happens upon my blog looking for some tips for dealing with grief. I, of course, only know what has helped me. I also know that everyone grieves differently, so who knows if this list will even help someone else, but I'll make the list anyway. (I started out making this one long post, but it got to be too wordy, so I've broken it up into two posts.)

So here we go, in no particular order:

1. Rest: I have told several people that grief to me has physically reminded me of recovering from a C-section. I felt like the level of exhaustion was similar, especially in the beginning. I noticed early on that I could deal with all of the emotions more productively when I had enough sleep at night. And there were definitely days when I was overwhelmed and needed a nap in the middle of the day. (Side note: I never, ever nap under normal circumstances, so this was pretty weird for me). It was also good for me to realize that my constant exhaustion was due to grief, because some days I thought I was just lazy or losing my mind, or both.

2. Meditation: This kind of goes along with rest, but it is different to me. Meditation I think of more as a mental rest. At the suggestion of my grief counselor, I went to my iTunes account and found a grief meditation and downloaded it. I started off listening to it a few times a week. At this point I only listen to it maybe once a month, but I love that it is available whenever I need it.  I also consider other kinds of mental rest to be in this category.  For instance, I like to play free cell solitaire on my phone.  When I get overwhelmed, it can help a lot to just give myself a mental break by playing it for awhile.

3. Exercise: I didn't really start using this one until about 10 months into my grief.  I wasn't ready before that, but when I was ready, it helped a lot. I was amazed at how much getting regular cardio workouts helped my mindset. It felt like I could just handle everything better on the days when I had done my run, or gotten on an elliptical machine.  And more recently I started doing yoga, which has also helped a ton. I would highly recommend a regular exercise routine to grieving people.

Here is someone who often makes me laugh

4. Reading books about people who have suffered major loss/trauma: I technically started doing this before Sue passed away, during the really stressful parts of her illness. I started reading everything I could get my hands on about people who had lived through major loss. I had to figure out how people make it through horrible circumstances and I needed the perspective that they could still find happiness in life after major trauma. To the outside observer I probably seemed obsessed with death, but I literally could not stop myself. Everything from a woman in New Jersey who lost her three children in a car accident, to a very detailed account of the Donner party was fair game. But each book gave me a lesson in the idea that people can live thorough horrible, awful circumstances and come out okay.

5. Laughing: Without really planning it, I stopped watching anything on TV that wasn't a comedy. I stopped watching any movies that weren't comedies. If it wasn't going to make me laugh, I would rather watch nothing. During hard days, I would watch old sit-coms or funny youtube videos. I also purposely sought out people who I knew would make me laugh. It honestly felt pretty unnatural at first, laughing at anything, but I forced myself to keep doing it until it felt natural again.

(To Be Continued...)

I am famous!

Well, not really. But I was excited to see that one of my favorite blogs, Rage Against The Minivan, featured a post that I submitted last Summer. I wrote a piece for her "what I want you to know " series, and yesterday it was posted!

You can read it here

Sorry I haven't been posting much, I have a lot to say, but have been finding it a challenge to carve out the time for writing. I need to work on that!

I have been working on a post about 10 things that have helped me with grief, it's just taking awhile. So stay tuned, I'll be back soon.

Have a great weekend, I'll leave you with some kid pictures:


Joe got his hair cut but it's still crazy!

The other three on Easter.

 

Even though they are gone, they are still here

I hit a milestone on Easter that I never imagined I would hit, even a few months ago.  I woke up on Easter morning with a day of family celebration ahead of me and I didn't cry. I felt sad. I would much rather have been looking forward to spending the day with my dad and Sue, but that isn't our reality around here. I gave myself some pep talks leading up to the big holiday. I told myself that it was okay not to look forward to it.  It's okay to even dread it. Once I gave myself permission to be upset, I felt better. I didn't think I would have a holiday without crying, but I did.

I see Sue everywhere I look, it seems. On Friday night her boys came over to hang out and spend the night. I see her in them, and we have a lot of fun together.  Today her girls are here, and even though they are so busy with their playing, they pause for a moment to tell me something and I hear her coming through them. I see her in the fluffy robin that came to sit on the tree outside my window and just sat and stared at me. Sue loved birds more than anyone I know, so they remind me of her.

My Dad is around too.  I see him all the time in my youngest son. I feel him as I cook his recipes and hear his instructions in my head.  Make sure to season this well! It will be bland if you don't! I laugh when my boys and nephews do things that I know would make him laugh.  He was always so proud of his grandkids, and I know he still is.

I still have good days and extra tough days. I still have moments when something happens and my first instinct is to call Sue. I still feel like the rest of my life seems like an awfully long time to go without talking with her again. But I'm also getting used to all these feelings.

Lately I look forward to the future with greater optimism. Instead of feeling guilty that I will watch her oldest son graduate from high school next year, I feel fortunate.

I really should do more blogging, somehow I always seem to end up feeling like the luckiest person on earth when I step back and evaluate my life. How is it that life is so painful and beautiful all at once?

Much love to you all this Spring Break!

I Push Back

We sit at the dinner table, my kids and me. They ask me to tell them stories. They want to hear about

My picture quality is awful because
I took a picture of a picture,
but I had to show these two clowns,
Sue and Dad

Pop, and Gramps, and Auntie Sue. They are intensely curious about these people who are lost to us.

I mostly do okay now. I can talk about Sue, remember her, and laugh, without my heart feeling like it is being squeezed in a vice.  I still feel the loss of her strongly at different times, like when I hear a certain song or see a picture of her.  But I sometimes battle an underlying feeling of bitterness at the unfairness of it all.

I get angry for all I don't have. I am bitter about all that has been taken from my kids. And don't even get me started on how bitter I am about all that has been taken from my two nephews and two nieces. There is so much we are missing. It's overwhelming.

So what can I do with this anger and bitterness?

I guess I feel like I have two choices when they start to take over: I can lean into them, or push back.

I could sit down right now and write a one hundred page essay laying out all of the sorrows we have felt.  I could enumerate all of the future moments that will now be changed for the worse because we have lost Sue. I could go on and on about how DAMNED UNFAIR it is that we have suffered this loss while so many other people have all their family members alive and well. I could scream from the rooftops about our broken hearts, our trauma, and our collective grief.  And I have to say, sometimes I sort of do this.  Or, at least, I do it in my head.

Then when I'm done going on and on about how hard and awful it all is, I usually feel...worse.

This is what happens when I lean in.

When I push back, it works out a bit differently. I still feel the unfairness. The bitterness and anger either creep in slowly, or spark like a jolt of electrified negativity. I can tell it is there when I am thinking things in my head that start like, "I'll never have what that person has..."

But when I push back, I take a moment to feel that anger and bitterness. I tell myself it is okay to feel that way, but only for a very short time. The anger and bitterness can't stay, I push back against it. It takes too much from me and leaves me worse off than I was before. I don't get anything from it except more anger and bitterness.

I am not in charge of whether I feel the anger and bitterness, but I am in charge of how long I let it stay.

These days I'm working to push back against those feelings that pull me down. Sometimes I fail. That's okay. I'll just try again next time.

I am determined to keep pushing back.

The Chronicles of Phillip Johnson, Part 3

To read part 1, go here.  To read part 2, go here.

~Things Get Ugly~

(note: if you are especially squeamish, skip part 3 and tell yourself we all lived happily ever after, together)

I arrive home from my lovely evening with Ben. The SpongeBob Movie was cute and funny, but Ben was cuter and funnier. He insisted on wearing a big flowered sun hat and bringing his stuffed monkey (named Coconut) to the movies and to dinner, I am so relaxed and carefree, I almost forget about Phillip Johnson.

As I enter the house and hang my winter coat in the front hall closet, I see Frank sitting in the living room, his image partly obscured by shadows. He calls to me to come in and sit down. I am afraid of what he will tell me. He begins by saying, "The story I'm about to tell you has some good parts, some bad parts, and some very disgusting parts." And so, Dear Reader, consider yourself warned. Here is his story.

Nat, recreating her reaction to seeing P.J.

I laid down on the couch, thinking I might take a quick nap. From my vantage point on the couch, I could see the gap under the basement door and my final thought as I drifted off to sleep was, "I wonder if Phillip Johnson will try to come upstairs..."

I was awoken by the most blood-curdling scream I've ever heard. Natalie ran into the living room screaming and yelling "I saw him, he's in the laundry room!".  I started yelling at her to stop screaming. She kept screaming. She and Sam ran upstairs.


Phil put that piece of dog
 food on that glove

I ran to the laundry room. I saw Phillip Johnson take a piece of dog food from Violet's bowl and drop it onto a glove in the closet. I told Joe to go get Violet, she wouldn't come so Joe carried her in. She sat in the laundry room while Phillip Johnson ran behind her. She did not react.

I told Joe to put Violet in her cage and I went to get a mousetrap from the basement. I set up the mousetrap with a piece of dog food in the trap with the peanut butter. Joe and I got out of the way to watch the trap. I saw Phillip Johnson sniff the food in the trap but he didn't take it. He took another piece of dog food back to the closet.

He came into the kitchen and hid under the stove. At this point I went into the laundry room and got the broom. I saw Phillip Johnson run along the cabinets to the back door, then under the dishwasher. I told Joe to open the dishwasher to see if  Phillip Johnson was in there while I stood at the ready with the broom. Joe didn't see anything inside the dishwasher so I told him to close the dishwasher and run it, hoping the noise would scare him out.

About 30 seconds later Phillip Johnson ran out from under the dishwasher, scurried under the table, and squeezed under the door to the basement. He popped back out and traveled to the doorway between the kitchen and the playroom.

An artist (Natalie's) rendering of the broom

I had a clear shot, I had to take it.  With an overhead swing, I slammed the broom onto the vole, killing it and breaking the broom.

Joe went upstairs to tell the other kids it was dead. At this point I realized it didn't have a head. I started searching for the head, but didn't see it anywhere. When the kids came down. Joe found the head in the living room. The kids were amazed.  Then I used the bottom half of the broom and the dustpan to clean up the remains of Phillip Johnson. 

Frank's story left me feeling revolted and relieved. I took some pictures of the scene. We were curious as to how far Phillip's head had flown from his body and we measured it at 20 feet. I was not kidding when I said Frank does not like rodents.

The kids measuring the distance between head
and body of Mr. Phillip Johnson

We learned many things from this experience. We learned that Violet is completely useless in emergency situations. We learned after examining Frank's crime scene photos of Phillip Johnson that he was actually a mole, not a vole as we originally determined. We learned that Tupperware consultants are unflappable. We learned that moles like dog food. We learned that our kids are fascinated by disgusting things. But most of all, and I just cannot stress this enough, we learned that Frank really, really, really hates rodents.

Goodbye Phillip Johnson, I'm sorry it had to end so violently, but I'm not sorry that it has ended.

The End.

The Chronicles of Phillip Johnson, Part 2

The Hex-Bug we hope Phillip Johnson will love

(To read Part 1, go here)

~He's A Slippery Little Devil~

We start tossing ideas back and forth about how to capture or kill Phillip Johnson. Frank wonders if someone will lend us a cat.  I suggest getting our hands on an owl. Natalie and Sam think if they can just get their hex bug downstairs and have it walk around, Phillip Johnson will fall in love with it and we can catch him while he's distracted.

Frank decides to try to trap Phillip Johnson in a bowl. He spends some time in the basement and sees it, but doesn't get a chance to trap it.

We can speak of almost nothing but Phillip Johnson as the hours pass. Have you checked the traps? Has anyone seen him? I tell my Tupperware consultant that there is a vole named Phillip Johnson running around our basement. I am assured this is totally fine.  (Tupperware consultants are brave and ready for anything.)

I walk past the laundry room just as Frank is taking a load of clothes out of the dryer. "You know what I'm thinking?" he asks, "Leaf blower in reverse!"





Frank is ready to vacuum up Phillip Johnson

He travels out to the garage and retrieves the leaf blower. He plans to sit still until he sees it, then quickly turn it on in reverse and vacuum up Phillip Johnson. I suggest that once it's captured in the leaf blower, he should drop the leaf blower bag into a snow drift in the front yard and run. But alas, all of our good plans go to waste as he sees Phillip Johnson several times but by the time he turns on the motor, Phillip Johnson has scurried out of leaf blower range.

I need to send Joe downstairs for a Q-tip. I explain where they are and that he needs to be careful to avoid mousetraps. He agrees and while there, has a run-in with Phillip Johnson. While he hands over the Q-tip, he details the experience. "He scurried around near Dad's office, it looked like he wanted to get under the pantry shelves, but he bumped into a blue plastic Easter Egg then ran off."

Now I have to leave. I have had plans to take Ben out on a "date" since Christmas. We are off to see the SpongeBob movie and have dinner together at Applebee's. I am happy to leave Phillip Johnson behind for now.

 

Will Phillip Johnson still be terrorizing our household when I get home? Will he make an appearance at the Tupperware party? Will he ever sample the peanut butter in one of the mousetraps? Will we have to fight him off every time we need a Q-tip? Why are there blue Easter Eggs lying around on the floor of my basement? Many (or some) of these questions will be answered in our next installment of The Chronicles of Phillip Johnson.