Tuesday, January 13, 2015

I Can Now Live Life as if I Am Normal

I had quite a blogging hiatus there, what with the holidays and all the accompanying commitments taking over my entire life from mid-November until early January. I had intended to put together a big post with pictures of the kids, the holidays, the fun and excitement, but my perfectionism is getting in the way. I've decided to scrap that whole idea for now and just catch you up on how things are for me at this moment.

A funny thing seems to have happened over the time since my birthday: I've developed the ability to live my life as if I am a normal person. I'm not sure if this is what I want to be doing, or if it is what I think I should be doing, or if it is just the natural progression of my current stage of grief.

I can go about my daily activities without crying in public. I can make conversation with strangers and friends and everyone who talks with me would not really be able to see my inner sadness. It might look to the outside world that I have "gotten over" the loss of my sister.

I can assure you, this is not true.

But I can also assure you that I am okay.

I am learning every day how to navigate my new life.  It is as if a heavy, gigantic box was placed in the middle of my house. When the box first arrived, it was all I could see. I bumped into it many times a day while going about my chores and activities. My focus was how to get rid of the box and how hard it was to get around with that box in the way. As time has gone on, though, the box has become such a normal part of my household that I have learned how to instinctively step around it. I'm finding that the box is just there.  I don't need to spend all of my energy trying to get rid of it, or talking about how inconvenient it is, I just live with the gigantic box now.

I am learning that it is possible to live a life that is both full of love, joy, and happiness while also carrying the deepest depths of sadness and grief in my heart. And the biggest surprise of all, is that it is a very good life, indeed.

These guys here? Will never be mistaken for normal


  1. So happy to hear you're doing/feeling better. I have been thinking about you and was on the verge of sending you a message. :-) love the pictures of the kids!

  2. So clearly stated - what a monumental achievement ! Stand on the top of that box for a moment and take a bow. Then jump off and do a little dance !