I hit a milestone on Easter that I never imagined I would hit, even a few months ago. I woke up on Easter morning with a day of family celebration ahead of me and I didn't cry. I felt sad. I would much rather have been looking forward to spending the day with my dad and Sue, but that isn't our reality around here. I gave myself some pep talks leading up to the big holiday. I told myself that it was okay not to look forward to it. It's okay to even dread it. Once I gave myself permission to be upset, I felt better. I didn't think I would have a holiday without crying, but I did.
I see Sue everywhere I look, it seems. On Friday night her boys came over to hang out and spend the night. I see her in them, and we have a lot of fun together. Today her girls are here, and even though they are so busy with their playing, they pause for a moment to tell me something and I hear her coming through them. I see her in the fluffy robin that came to sit on the tree outside my window and just sat and stared at me. Sue loved birds more than anyone I know, so they remind me of her.
My Dad is around too. I see him all the time in my youngest son. I feel him as I cook his recipes and hear his instructions in my head. Make sure to season this well! It will be bland if you don't! I laugh when my boys and nephews do things that I know would make him laugh. He was always so proud of his grandkids, and I know he still is.
I still have good days and extra tough days. I still have moments when something happens and my first instinct is to call Sue. I still feel like the rest of my life seems like an awfully long time to go without talking with her again. But I'm also getting used to all these feelings.
Lately I look forward to the future with greater optimism. Instead of feeling guilty that I will watch her oldest son graduate from high school next year, I feel fortunate.
I really should do more blogging, somehow I always seem to end up feeling like the luckiest person on earth when I step back and evaluate my life. How is it that life is so painful and beautiful all at once?
Much love to you all this Spring Break!