Once school starts, I'm not sure who I'm going to be. I have been at home with an infant, baby, toddler, or preschooler for the last 13 years. I am anticipating something completely foreign to me: an empty house for many hours each weekday.
I don't know what this will be like. I'm not sure what I want to do. I'm just not sure what the near future holds for me.
Three of my four kids will be starting new schools in the fall. Joe will be going into junior high, Natalie will start at the middle school, and Ben will begin his elementary school years in kindergarten. I won't be the only one stepping into something completely new.
Uncertainty makes me nervous. But I can also feel an excitement building that there will be so many possibilities.
I have to keep myself from trying to fill it up with something familiar before I even get there. Often I think something like "I'll go back to school in the fall! That's perfect!". But when I step back and really consider it, I realize that I am just wanting to go to school because I already know what that is like. Having no real plan scares me.
I was supposed to be celebrating my empty house by visiting with Sue. We had plans to meet for lunches, shop for kids' clothes together, do whatever we felt like doing. When it became apparent that she was getting very sick, I had planned to help take care of her while my kids were all in school. I could bring her lunch and we could still spend time together. Now all of my plans involving her are gone. Navigating this change alone was not what I wanted.
I am working on surrendering to the unknown.
I have linked this post to Heather at The Extraordinary Ordinary (a blog I love!) who has a weekly segment on her blog called, "Just Write", in which she encourages other bloggers to sit down and write about what is on their mind right that minute, without over-thinking or editing. I'm happy to join in!