We Are Surviving and Finding Our Way

I made it through my birthday. I made it through the one year anniversary of losing Sue.

Sam had an assignment to take nature photos and he took this! I love it.

Yesterday was a day I had been dreading for an entire year. I focused on it so much. I feared it, but also felt like if I could just make it there and through it, then I would be okay. There was so much sadness and anger leading up to the day. I had a very, very rough time the day before.

It turned out that the day I had assigned so much power to, was just a day. I got up, I did stuff, I had feelings, both good and bad, and then the day was over.

I am both relieved and sad that it is over. I know that sounds strange that I would be sad to put a day I had been dreading behind me. But the day also marked a milestone of having lived an entire year without my precious sister. I now know that I can make it through an entire year without her. But I never wanted to know or experience a year without her.

So, what do I do now? Now I'm 40, and now I live without my sister. Now I face another year of milestones without her. Now I observe her kids growing another year older without their mother.

We will see what this year brings. I was amazed in the past year, how in the midst of such pain, we also experienced so much joy, fun, and love.

I will stay open to seeing the joy in my life. I will continue to take care of myself (I ran 3 miles again this morning! First time running in my 40s!) I will keep trying my best to be the person I am meant to be.

Sam took this one too! He's pretty good, I'd say.

Thank you to everybody who called, texted, emailed, came to my birthday party, sent me cards or gave me gifts. I know it is hard for all of you, too. Nobody quite knows what to do with the birthday that is also a death-anniversary. You all did wonderfully. I could feel your love in every gesture. 

Thank you so much to the people who gave money to The Red Cross in Sue's name for my birthday. I absolutely LOVED that. And thank you to my friend, Donna, who sent me a picture of herself after running 3 miles for the first time in her life that was captioned, "I pushed myself to make it happen in honor of your birthday"

But most of all, I was so proud of Sue's four kids, who called me last night to wish me a happy birthday. They chattered on about their days, sang to me, laughed, and I was simply amazed by them. Their strength, joyfulness, and love shined through. I felt Sue's love and strength coming through to me by way of her incredible children.

We are all surviving.  We are going to be okay.