Exhausting

My day isn't great, but it is very pretty outside

My last few posts have been pretty chipper and happy. This is good because when I wrote them I was feeling that way. I don't always feel that way and I need to make sure that this blog doesn't just become a place I come to document when I am having a good day or moment. I do want to document good moments, but if that was all I did then I would be leaving out a huge part of my life. I want this blog to be a real representation of how life is right now, and skipping over the hard parts would be not the whole truth.

All of this to say, I'm not having a great day.

I woke up already exhausted. I think I was having stressful dreams. I don't remember them, but I know I woke up missing Sue more than usual. Missing somebody who you know you will never see again in this lifetime is exhausting because it is never-ending.

I needed to drop Natalie off to leave for three days for 6th grade camp. I am generally not an overly mushy sort of parent, so imagine my surprise when I dropped her off, walked back to my car, and bawled my eyes out. Goodbyes are hard because sometimes people don't come back. This thought, which is always with me, is exhausting.

Next up was my counseling appointment. I think going to counseling is very important for me. It is helping me climb up out of grief. It helps me figure out the areas in my head that still need work. I am so thankful that I have the time to devote to my well-being and the resources to access such great care. However, doing this emotional work is exhausting.

Back home to send emails and make phone calls about the flood at our rental house. This is something I am working on constantly. The flood happened August 11 and it is still taking up so much of my time. We are getting there, but so slowly. This process is (you guessed it) exhausting.

Finally I forced myself outside for my run because it is Monday and I ALWAYS run on Mondays. Why was I so shocked that I ran one mile, walked one mile, and walked home?  I knew when I started that I was "off" today. I am trying with all my might to not consider today's run a failure. I'm trying to tell myself that sometimes it's a bad day. That sometimes I'm allowed to just sit on the couch and feel sad.

Now I have an hour left before kids start coming home and the more busy part of my day begins. I have succeeded in exhausting myself in many different ways. I will work at trying to do all the rest of the stuff I need to get done today, but I actually just want to go back to bed and get to tomorrow.

The real truth is that some days are just heavy with grief and I cannot get my crap together.