January 5, 2016

Today went well but was a bit exhausting.  I started the day by dropping all the kids off at school, then left for water aerobics class at the gym. I got about halfway there when I realized I forgot to pack a towel. So I turned around, grabbed the towel, and made it there just as the class was starting.

After class I stopped at the grocery store for a few things, then home to shower, do dishes, and clean my office. I made it through a ton of paper clutter!

After the kids came home and I made tacos and salad for dinner, I left for yoga class. I worked out twice today! And now I need to go to bed!

So let's see: I'm blogging now, I worked out, I nurtured myself by going to yoga, and I made a good food choice by not having seconds on anything but salad at dinner.

Happy Tuesday everyone! See you tomorrow!

January 4, 2016

Here we go! I've downloaded an app for blogging and I have high hopes that it will post my "before" picture this time.

I started out my day by dropping the kids off at school, then going immediately to the gym. I ran for a mile, then walked for another mile and a half.

I decided to try not eating any sugar on weekdays, so my good food decision today was to stick to that goal.

It was a busy day filled with cleaning and organizing around the house, then taking care of several kid issues while cooking dinner. I am currently at the library with Natalie's middle school Battle of the Books team. I am team leader and am sitting off to the side while they have their discussion. 

I nurtured myself by having two great fulfilling phone conversations with friends. It always builds me up to check in with my friends!

Well my blog entry is done for the night. Have a great evening and I'll see you tomorrow!

(Before picture, taken 1-1-16)

January 3, 2016

Today went pretty well, although I didn't exercise. I started off my day by going to church, which I'm going to count as nurturing myself. I always feel renewed and calm after church. I also taught Sunday School, and spending time with a group of 5-7 year olds renews and nurtures me too.

After church I did all the grocery shopping for the week in anticipation of going to the gym tomorrow morning instead of my old habit of Monday morning grocery shopping. I bought lots of fruits and vegetables! I'm counting that as my good food decision of the day.

I found myself being excited about doing my blog entry for the day, and thinking about what I would say. I think this blogging every day plan is going to work out nicely for me.

As you can see by the formatting of yesterday's post, I still have some learning to do when it comes to blogging from my phone. I wasn't able to get my "before" picture to post, and I'm in a hurry tonight, so I'll try to do that tomorrow.  I plan to take a photo of myself on the first of every month to (hopefully) see my progress.

Tomorrow Frank goes back to work and the kids go back to school.  It also will mark my return to the gym, I will be running on the treadmill right after I get everyone off to school. I have a goal of getting back to being able to run for three miles without stopping. I have some work to do to get there.

Have a great Sunday night, and I'll see you tomorrow!

January 2, 2016

Today is day two of my healing challenge. I started off the day with a date with a friend to walk our dogs so exercise was covered for the day. Frank and I went to Ikea to buy some furniture, and my one good food decision was to not get dessert there, even though they had very good looking cake and reasonably priced chocolate bars. I am obviously blogging right now, so that goal is accomplished for the day. Now, this doing something to nurture myself thing? I'm having a hard time figuring out what to do. Maybe I'll set aside some time this evening to read a chapter of the book that I never seem to make to read.

I'm trying to attach a picture of myself to use as a "before" photo, but I am blogging from my phone, so I'm not sure if it will work. If not, I'll try again tomorrow!

Have a great Saturday and I will update you on my nurturing activity tomorrow!

Less Sadness, More Fitness for 2016

I have struggled with how to blog about grief as I keep healing. As you can see, I stopped blogging for months because I just didn't know what to say about my life and my grief. Today, the first day of a new year, I have made a decision about this blog: it's time for me to start blogging again.

My one-word mantra for this year is "Healing".

I am going to work hard to heal myself, both mind body, this whole year. You, my dear readers, are going to come along with me for the ride.

My goals are as follows:

1. Exercise 4 times per week all year long

2. Do one small (or big) thing each day to nurture myself emotionally

3. Make one (or more!) good food decision each day

4. Make one blog entry per day to document my progress

Yes, you read that right! I plan to blog each day of 2016, along with taking concrete steps toward continuing my healing. I am sure I will struggle at times, but I am going to aim high! I am more than excited to see what this year will bring, and to share it all with you.

See you tomorrow!

There is still pain, there is still joy

I haven't blogged in a very long time.  I felt like there wasn't much new for me to talk about. What could I say at this point?  I have very hard days, I have very joy-filled days (sometimes they are the same day). I feel like I have turned a corner with my grief and with turning this corner brings
both good news and bad news.

The good news is that I don't feel like the grief is getting worse.  I have settled into a pattern of somewhat predictable ups and downs.  I'm better at recognizing when a melt-down might be on the horizon, and I'm more patient with myself when they happen.

The blood drive day

The bad news is, I think this is it. I think I've reached the point where my pain of losing Sue has healed as much as it is going to heal.  In other words, I don't think it's going to get much better than this.  I categorize this as bad news because the pain is still very present and very real.  It is just an everyday fact of life.

The end of 2015 is very near, and since I only blogged for a few months of this year, I'll try to summarize how I have worked toward healing this year.

--In June I took my kids on a camping trip. We had a week of relaxation, nature, and friends. This is the second year we have taken this trip, and it is one of my favorite new traditions.  I am finding that having a few new traditions that have started after Sue died has been helpful and healing to me.

--In August my oldest son started marching band with Sue's two boys.  This was something we had talked about and planned together.  We loved the idea of them being together in band. I went to just about every football game, sat by myself, and watched those three boys do the things Sue and I had planned. I watched them for both of us.  Then, when the end of marching band season came, I watched her oldest child be officially recognized at the band banquet for his four years of dedication to something Sue loved so much.  I watched for both of us.

The three boys, on one very cold night of marching

--On October 28th (my birthday, her death-day) I held the First Annual Suzanne McCarty Memorial Blood Drive at my church. I'm still sorting out my feelings about that day. I was proud that I helped collect 33 pints of blood for the Red Cross. I had fun greeting people and visiting with all of the many people who offered support. I felt immense pride watching her oldest boy lie down on the table and give his blood in memory of his mother.  But, in all honesty, that is not how I wanted to spend my birthday. I still struggle with the fact that I just want my old, normal life back. I wanted, REALLY wanted, to spend the day chatting with Sue on the phone and doing normal birthday things.

Now as this year is coming to a close, I can see that I have made progress, I've checked items off my "List of things that will help me heal," but I'm not all better. I am realizing that I will never be all better. There is nothing for me to do but keep moving forward, keep doing the next hard thing that seems to be around every corner.

2016 will be full of new challenges. Her oldest will graduate from high school and leave for college. Her youngest will leave elementary school and begin middle school. There will be hard days, when I miss her so much I will feel like the pain will break me apart. There will be days I will float through with a smile, memories of her lifting me up.

This is my life now: there is still pain and there is still joy.

False Guilt

I answer the phone and it's Sue's oldest, calling to tell me the grade he got on his Chemistry final. He did great, and I'm so excited for him.  I tell him how proud I am of him. He tells me he couldn't wait to call to let me know. I feel a swell of pride followed swiftly by a wave of guilt.

I take her girls on an outing to Target. We are shopping specifically for some girly things. We laugh and joke. My heart feels so full of pride and I think, "these girls of mine are so awesome!" A stab of guilt hits as I realize I thought the word "mine".

I talk about next year with her oldest. He will be a high school senior. I've offered to host his graduation party. I'm so excited to do it and feel honored that I get to do it. Then the guilt creeps in.

Her second oldest comes to me after a dinner I've made. He gives me a hug. This kid is not usually a hugger. He thanks me for cooking for him.  I think about what an impressive young man he is becoming, right before my eyes. The guilt hits hard enough that I need to sit down.

I'm wrestling with the idea that I'm stealing her life. I'm taking these moments, which rightfully belong to her, and snatching them up.

I know this sounds insane.

These are moments she can't have.  I'm not taking anything from her.

Then why do I feel like this?

What I'm dealing with here is something my friend calls "false guilt". She tells me that the false guilt lies to me. It whispers to me that I'm not allowed to enjoy her moments. That somehow, if I didn't steal these moments from her, she could be here and have them for herself. 

But, no. No. She can't have these moments. I would step back and let her have every single precious one if it meant she could be here. I would never steal what is hers. And I know her so well. She would tell me, "Take them! Take all of them!  You are welcome to every happy moment you can grab!"

She was always good about sharing.

So I would like to give a message to the false guilt that likes to plague me: My sister would say that I can have these moments, so I'm taking them. They make my life so much richer. They make me miss her just a little bit less. I've already lost all future moments with her, so I refuse to allow you to make me miss out on anything else.

I'm not listening to you anymore.