Thursday, June 19, 2014

How Loss Has Changed Me

I say "I love you" so much more than I used to because it might be the last time I talk to someone I love.  I save the most recent voicemail messages and texts because I need to be able to hear my loved one's voices after they are dead.  If someone doesn't answer or return my call quickly, I assume they have died.  When a beloved friend or family member casually mentions feeling ill, I start to imagine they have Cancer, or a horrible auto-immune disease that will kill them in the next few months.  When someone I love is traveling, I assume they will die in a car crash.

I am so used to living this way now. It sounds awful, but it's really not that bad.  It's just that anything at all can happen in my world.  In my world my good buddy, my fun-loving, opinionated, PBS-loving pal and sister stopped breathing.  She isn't coming back.  That still blows my mind.  If she can be here one day and gone the next, anyone can.

When I stood in front of the crowd at her funeral and delivered a eulogy, I didn't feel any stage fright.  I have ALWAYS been afraid of talking in front of other people.  I barely made it through my speech 101 class in college, it was terrifying.

When someone asked me how I was able to do that without fear, I knew the answer.

When one of your biggest fears actually happens, other things don't seem so scary anymore.

I didn't blog before now because I was afraid of what people might think of my writing.  I thought I might not be good enough.  I thought I had nothing of value to say.

I'm not afraid of not being good enough anymore.  I simply don't care.  I've decided I have things I want to say, so I'm saying them.

I blog because it helps me sort out my feelings.  As a mom, I tend to put my needs last.  I need to work through this grief and this blog helps me, so I'm taking the time to do it.

I'm not afraid anymore.


  1. Your writing is beautiful because it is you, Andi. It is honest, and open, and pure. You are a strong person for speaking candidly and sincerely about your grief. I'm so glad I know you.

  2. Beautiful. It might be too soon after my loss to read this but I plan on getting back to it as soon as I'm able to. Thank you for sharing your thoughts as well as your process.

    Renee H.

    1. Renee,
      Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. You are smart to be cautious with what you expose yourself to this early in your grief. Do what feels tolerable to you right now.
      I wish you peace on your journey,