In the first several aisles, he's quiet and happy but all too soon he is tired of shopping. I know this because his annoyance is directly related to his volume. By the fifth aisle he is saying, "Mama! Here are the noooooodles! Noodles is a fun word to say. NOODLESNOODLES-NOODLESNOODLES-NOODLESNOODLES-NOODLESNOODLES!" Nice old ladies smile at him. I tell him to quiet down a little.
In the chip aisle he announces he needs to go potty. I immediately start to steer him toward the restroom. He stops and gets distracted by the Cheetos but I shoo him along.
I notice a woman go into the women's restroom. At Kroger there are one-person bathrooms so I usher him to the men's. In less than a minute, an older man moves quickly toward the men's room. "There's someone in there!" I say. He sighs. "Of course there is."
Minutes tick by.
More minutes tick by.
The man is sighing and shooting me dirty looks.
"Ben!" I yell through the door, "finish up!"
I am getting embarrassed now.
"OK MOMMY! BUT GUESS WHAT! IT'S A BIIIIIG POOP!"
More minutes tick by.
"MOMMY? I LOVE YOU!"
"I love you too, now flush and wash your hands!"
More minutes tick by. The waiting guy isn't very happy. Sorry, buddy, but I too wish this wasn't happening.
Finally he emerges from the restroom, humming, smiling, and skipping. Really-needs-to-go Guy rushes in. We need to resume our shopping, but oh no, now he is even more loud and more hyper. I hurry to grab the rest of our stuff.
He's climbing all over the cart. Why do we need cheese? Why are napkins called napkins? What's this? Oh it's one of those kinds of rectangle cheeses. Rectangles? Rectangles? Do you know that these are rectangles? These are rectangles! Mommy! Rectangles! I like rectangle cheese but do you like rectangle cheese? Oh look! Plastic forks! <Robot voice > Plastic-forks-plastic-forks-I-like-to-eat-with-plastic-forks. Mommy, look. Look at me. I am a short guy. Now I am a tall guy. See? Short guy. Tall guy. Short guy. Tall guy.
A nice lady walks by. He greets her with "Heeeellllllooooooooooooo! I like RECTANGLES!"
At the checkout, he is unloading each item from the cart with a huge grunt and an announcement to everyone around us of the name of the item. "UUUUUUUGGGGGHHH" he hefts out a cereal box, "CEREAL" Then, "UUUUUGGGGGGHHHH! CARROTS".
Then he starts kissing things. The counter, the magazines, he tries to kiss the display of candy but I stop him. "But I just love everything!" He says when I make him stop.
Quick change of subject, now he is asking me "What does revenge mean? Why do we want revenge?" I have no idea what he's talking about. I offer a quick definition of revenge. I see the lady behind us smile at him.
"You have a lot of milk there!" She says.
"We will get REVENGE!" He responds.
We unload the groceries into the van and he settles into his seat. "I heard about revenge on Pokemon." he explains. Then he stares out the window quietly for the whole ride home.