I was avoiding going in for my yearly physical. It is always hard to talk to people for the first time since her death. I feel sad and awkward and I'm sure it's no picnic for them either. But, I need to make sure I get my physical and take care of my health, so I took a deep breath and scheduled the appointment.
At the appointment he asked how I was doing, how her kids and husband were doing. He talked about going to the funeral home. I cried a bit. I told him that I'm doing okay. I'm working through it.
I thought I was doing pretty well, especially since I was having a hard time being there.
Then out of nowhere, as he was checking my ears he said, "What you really need to do is move on."
I didn't say anything. I was trying to process this.
"No, really" he said, "You just have to move on."
I didn't answer him, but I should have. I just got out of there as fast as I could.
Here's the thing: don't tell me how to feel. Don't tell me that I'm not doing it right. Don't tell me when you think I should be better. Don't tell me that you know just how I feel because your hamster died. Don't tell me that you have been in a funk before so you understand my grief. Don't tell me that you can't imagine how I'm feeling because I don't want you to imagine how I'm feeling.
And don't, DON'T tell me that I need to move on. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
Every time I feel sad and cry about her, and then feel a bit better because I let it out, I'm moving on.
Every time I go to a counseling appointment or a support group meeting, I'm moving on.
Every time I make it through a holiday or special event without her, I'm moving on.
Every time I post about her on my blog, I'm moving on.
Every time I feel hope for my future, or her kids' futures, I'm moving on.
Every time I sit in the parking lot of the grocery store and remind myself that I can't call her before I go in (as was my habit), I'm moving on.
Every time I visit her grave, then walk away, I'm moving on.
I spent last night researching local doctors and I've found a new one.
It was time to move on.