Monday, July 7, 2014

A Bad Dream

Last night I had a dream about Sue.  I am always hoping and wishing for a dream about her so that I can feel like I have visited with her.  I just miss her so much.

In the dream she was starting to get sick.  I told her that I was here "from another dimension" and that I knew she was going to die.  I told her all the details of her illness and what was about to happen to her.  I was torn about telling her, but somehow knew that she would want to know.

When I finished telling her about her impending death, she didn't say anything, she
just hung her head.  I was so sad.  I didn't want her to have to go through what I knew she was about to endure.

Sue meeting Ben for the first time, September 2009
Then I told her about everything I could think of that I had done for her while she was sick, all the way down to painting her toenails the night before she died.  I explained that I had done everything I could for her, everything I could think of to make things better and easier.

I walked up to her and gave her a long hug.  "I'm sorry."  I told her.  "I am proud of you, and I just want you to be proud of me too."

She patted me on the back over and over, then she walked away.

Ouch.  That dream really hurt.

I remember after my Dad died, I had a lot of dreams about him being sick.  I would wake up in the middle of the night, just positive that I needed to call the hospital to make sure he had been given his pain medication.

I remember the wonderful night when I had a dream that he and I were at the grocery store, shopping for cookies.  We were having a playful argument.  I kept telling him not to buy cookies at the store, that I would make him some that would taste a lot better.  I woke up and felt like I had just had a normal conversation with him.

Today I am holding on tightly to my motto, "It will get better" because I know that even my dreams will get softer and friendlier with the passage of time.  My brain still needs to process how hard things were, but it won't always be this way.  Eventually she will appear in my dreams as her healthy self.  I'm looking forward to visiting with her then.

Today I heard this song by American Authors for the first time and I think it was probably written for me!

"I’m just a believer
That things will get better
Some can take it or leave it
But I don’t wanna let it go"

P.S.  I also wanted to give a quick thank you to everyone who has taken a few moments to send me an email, text, or comment about my blog.  I can't tell you how much it means to me.  I feel like I have such a great support system helping me along.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

1 comment:

  1. I am so proud of your courage and positive attitude. It will keep getting better because you are doing your grief work and honoring Sue by living your life the best that you can from a different dimension from her, I am so glad that she patted you on the back over and over. Seems that she wanted to comfort and reassure you. That is so like her. Love you!