My mom was there. She gets it.
We are all trying so hard, trying to do all the right things. Sometimes I wish there was a book called, "What to do When Your Sister Dies, A Step-by-Step Guide" because I would follow that thing to the letter. I would totally get an "A" in grieving.
I fall into the trap of feeling sorry for myself. I tell myself that nobody has it worse than me. I say that if only she was alive, my life would be perfect.
But you know what? That is all crap. Because when she was alive my life wasn't perfect. In fact, I can't think of a single time in my life when it was perfect. There is no such thing. Every single person is dealing with something. There are many, many, MANY people who are dealing with hard, horrible problems. There are people dealing with small problems. There are people all around me, everywhere I look who are hurting in hundreds of different ways. Pain is universal.
Everybody gets a bite of the shit sandwich*
So I let myself sob. But then I took some deep breaths. I reminded myself of what I tell my kids when they worry about me, "Crying is part of healing, it just has to be done." Then I went home and rested, because sometimes the bad meltdowns come when I'm trying to do everything and feel like I'm falling short on it all.
I'm trying to be kind to myself in these moments. I'm only 8 months into this missing-my-sister thing, so I can't have it all figured out yet. I'll keep working on it, because if I don't, and I stay sad for too long, I'm kind of scared she will come beat the crap out of me for wasting some of my precious time on earth. That's just the kind of person she was.
|It helps a lot to have these three and their little brother. They cheer me up all the time.|
*Yes, my Dad was the coolest.